BMTG Founder and President, The Diesel, is also the resident BMTG Movie Critic. Here can be found all of Diesel's reviews, as well as guest reviews by other BMTG members.
28 Days Later (2002)
Alligator People, The (1959)
Amazing Transparent Man, The (1960)
American Psycho (2000)
Big Fan (2009) 
Black Mama, White Mama (1972)
Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
Bright Lights, Big City (1988)
Cabin Fever (2002)
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
Choppers, The (1961)
Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)
Deadly Eyes (1982)
Death Wish I through V (1974 to 1994)
Death Wish I through
V - A Study of the Super Hero Characteristics of Kersey's Vigilante
Diesel's Eye Surgery, The (2004)
Don't Open Till Christmas (1985)
Doomsday (2008)
Fight Club (1999)
From Beyond the Grave (1975)
Gorilla at Large (1954)
Green Street Hooligans (2005)
Happy Days - Demolition Derby/Fonzie Loves
Pinkie (1976)
Human Tornado, The (1976)
Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
In the Year 2889 (1967)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Island of Dr. Moreau, The (1977)
Jack Frost (1997)
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a Jack-o (1995)
Jamaica: ER
Karachi Kops: Gang of Four
King Kong (2005)
Lady Cocoa (1975)
Last Dinosaur, The (1977)
Legacy of Blood (1978)
Man in the Brown Suit, The (1989)
Minnesota vs. Lakers Playoff Game #3, Final
Quarter and Overtime (2003)
Mister Scarface (1976)
Orloff Against the Invisible Man (1971)
Psychomania (1971)
R.O.T.O.R. (1989)
Scream of the Wolf (1974)
Severed Arm, The (1973)
Snowbeast (1977)
Spiders (2000)
Splice (2010)
TNT Jackson (1975)
Unholy Rollers (1972)
White Shadow (Coolidge wants to go pro)
White Zombie (1932)
Wizard of Oz / Dark Side of the Moon
Zardoz (1974)
# - C | D - H | I - K | L - R | S - Z
Review
by The Diesel
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Brilliant movie, if only for the fact that it is daring enough to go out on a limb and take place in the year 2889, when most movies play it safe and venture out only a couple hundred of years from today. Curiously, the world witnessed more change between 1955-1967 than it will see from 1967-2889. The clothing, hairstyles, weapons, and bikinis of the distant future are all identical to those of the 1960's. While it’s unfortunate that powdered wigs never came back into fashion, it's encouraging to know that my closet of dress slacks and sensible sweaters will be as popular as ever in 800+ years.
A
nuclear explosion kills most of humankind and leaves a majority of the unlucky
survivors savagely mutated and incessantly hungry. The mutants are easy to
identify as they have sharp flared out teeth, bulbous eyes, severe eczema,
and faces so stiff they appear to be Botox junkies. While a mutant’s
fingers are noticeably longer than ours, including razor-sharp fingernails,
they tend to bend easily putting into question their true gripping power.
One hungry mutant had trouble grasping a rabbit from a trap because his long
flexible fingers couldn't get a firm hold on the animal.
The
rarely seen dark side of alcoholism is explored when Captain John, the cantankerous
military man leading the survivors, destroys Hillbilly Tim's little brown
moonshine jug that had "xxx" written on the side. Captain John confesses
to others, if not himself, that "If I had known he was an alcoholic I
wouldn't have destroyed his jug". Alcoholic Hillbilly Tim, frustrated
that he has no more firewater to squelch back the demons, runs into the ever-present
fog at the end of the yard and enters the horrific world of mutation.
While some may watch this movie out of curiosity to see what the future will look like, at its core it is about the evils of nuclear weapons, our need for community, the triumph of the human spirit, and the little brown jugs that make life worth living.
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Review
by The Diesel
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If you are making sweet tender love, you hear a swarm of bees, and your woman’s eyes change into huge black olives, it's probably too late. A group of small town housewives liven up the party by converting other females into bee women, who in turn stare their unsuspecting lovers to death. Scoring high points for a prolonged bee lady hazing process, which involves group nudity, kissing, and chanting, this is one of the Sexologist's favorite films (Also see White Mama, Black Mama). The increase of sexually related male deaths forces the town elders to impose complete abstinence until the cause can be found. This decree results in predicable outrage from the sparse crowd, which is led by a pot-bellied loudmouth who laughingly implies that he can’t remain sexless for any length of time. A group of top-notch scientists, working out of an airport terminal, are unable to identify the cause of these deaths. However, thanks to the gang leader in Chrome and Hot Leather, who smoothly changes roles and plays a top government cop, the stingers are removed from these broads. After a wild conclusion of smoke, nudity, explosions, chanting, falling objects, screaming, and great bravery, we get our first glimpse of an actual bee. All the BMTG members then looked at each other and laughed at the funny little bee. Archie cried.
Additional Note: The movie’s “bee lady hazing process” is the only known scene to illicit a response from Rainman that can only be described as a cross between Bill Cosby and Gil, the Public Access Man.
Island of Dr. Moreau, The (1977)
Review
by The Diesel
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A
shipwrecked Michael York finds his way to an island that serves as a proving
ground for the experiments of Dr. Moreau, played by the seething Burt Lancaster.
The experiments include injecting animals, such as bears, lions, and hyenas,
with a brew that transforms them into a hybrid of man and animal – a
manimal. Upon learning about the cruel and painful experiments, which result
in manimals walking upright, talking gruffly, and sporting pig noses, York
tells Dr. Moreau that he doesn't approve. However, after a young waif pleasures
him late one evening, York does a John Kerry Flip-Flop(c)
and changes his beliefs regarding the animal torture aspect of the experiments.
When
he later discovers that she was originally a feline, he is only briefly troubled
before joining her again. York himself is momentarily changed into a manimal
as the doctor, bitter from York's disapproval, attempts to use him as a guinea
pig for reverse experiments. The result is a wild haired York who resembles
boxer Tex Cobb and speaks as though he just had his wisdom teeth pulled.
The Island of Dr. Moreau is best known for inspiring the BMTG festival location slogan, "Welcome to the House of Pain". The freed manimal creations of Dr. Moreau were so fearful of returning to the tortuous experiments at his plantation style dwelling that they refer to it as the House of Pain. There are three sacred laws:
If
a manimal breaks one of the laws, the other manimals hop around and scream,
"Send him to the House of Pain", "Let's go to the House of
Pain" and just plain "House of Pain". The manimals eventually
decide that Dr. Moreau lives his life in contradiction to the laws and decide
to attack his House of Pain plantation. The manimals free their caged brethren
only to be attacked by them because they are too human. Several manimals jump
on the backs of the rampaging animals and ride them until they are jolted
off. The entire scene is glorious with manimals grappling tigers around the
neck and being dragged through debris before being eaten alive.
Review
by Sandman
A
convicted serial killer is set to meet his maker on Christmas Eve when the
truck he is traveling in crashes with a chemical truck. The mixture of chemicals
and snow turn the serial killer into a killer snowman. The killer snowman
has one mission – to kill the sheriff who put him away. The snowman
travels to the sleepy snow village of Snowmonton and goes on a Richard Ramirez-esque
killing spree. The best scene in the movie is when Jack Frost shoves and axe
handle down a local yokels throat. Jack Frost is ultimately thwarted by hair
dryers and a flatbed pickup truck filled with water. For any B-Movie fan this
is a must see.
Jack O'Lantern, a.k.a. Jack-o (1995)
Review
by White Russian
Dismissed as just bad, criticized for not being on the same level as Halloween, put down for being a poor-man’s combination of Freddy Krueger and Pumpkinhead, Jack-o has not been given its just due – until now. The BMTG has always recognized Jack-o for what it is, however, and has voted it as the number five film in the Top Ten “B” List. Obviously made very quickly with very little budget, Jack-o has that certain quality that the BMTG looks for. It is not something that can be easily described, but this film shares qualities that you will find in other fine classics such as Ticks and Troll 2. As with many BMTG classics, the best moments of Jack-o come in the first half when the legend of Jack-o and the characters are introduced. After that, one doesn’t really care what happens as the story behind the legend of Jack-o turns out to be rather uninteresting, but the film remains entertaining throughout nonetheless.
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The story itself begins with the legend of Jack-o as told by Simms (Bernie Fidello) while sitting around a campfire with the boy hero of the film, Sean Kelly (Ryan Latshaw). This scene is played perfectly by Fidello and is considered by the BMTG to be one of the all time best movie introductions. Unfortunately this movie appears to be Fidello’s only work on either film or television. In fact, for the majority of the cast this movie is their only film credit, including most of the main characters. While it is painfully obvious they had never acted before, there is also a sense of loss knowing that Jack-o would be the beginning and ending of their fifteen minutes of fame.
While Simms introduces the legend, there is no explanation for what relation he is to the boy and why they are out in the woods alone, although it is assumed that he is a type of uncle-figure to the boy. It turns out Simms is just some older guy in the neigborhood who decided to go carve pumpkins in the woods with young Sean while telling him scary stories. Thankfully there is not even the slightest hint of impropriety, as this movie was made before news came out about the real life Jacko and his Neverland sleepovers.
Soon
we are introduced to the mysterious Vivian Machen, who the neighborhood views
suspiciously but the Kelly family welcomes like a long lost family member.
While a bully is picking on Sean and his girl, Vivian drives up in her car,
prompting the three kids to “hide” next to a nearby bush. The
bully plays tough by throwing some small rocks that land harmlessly in front
of the car's tires while explaining that in the old days they used to stone
witches. Sean stands up for what is right and Vivian breaks up the ensuing
“fight.” Sean shows off his don’t talk to stranger skills
by refusing to get in the car, but allows Vivian to walk him home after she
reveals that she already knows his name. Back at Sean’s house, Vivian
quickly warms up to Sean’s father, David Kelly, by offering to help
with his charity scare house. Not long after, she is invited for dinner and
becomes a fixture in the house. Sean’s mother, Linda Kelly, does not
seem too comfortable with the new arrangement, but plays along anyway. To
show her disapproval, Linda’s eyes constantly bug out until anything
happens, then they bug out even more.
Although he appears to be just an average, mildly out of shape, thirty or forty-something, David Kelly seems to be a hit with the ladies. There is no rational reason for it, but there is a general feeling that the ladies flirt with him wherever he goes. He seems oblivious to it, except for the extreme come-on of the baby sitter (Linnea Quigley) who compares him to a little boy and then suggestively says how much she likes little boys. When Sean asks if he can check out the sitter’s sister’s boyfriend’s motorcycle, David, while undressing the baby sitter with his eyes, slyly tells Sean that he can look but not touch.
There doesn’t even appear to be a genuine need for the baby sitter, as both parents are home. The explanation is so that they can operate the scare house in the garage, even though one of the parents always seemed to be available. It appeared they spent very little time in the scare house, and even if they did, the garage was conveniently located close to the house if young Sean needed anything. While the baby sitter did take Sean trick or treating, the real purpose of introducing the baby sitter was for the all-important fairly standard shower scene that took place when Sean’s mother called to ask her to baby sit. Having the baby sitter also allowed for the introduction of the wild sister and accompanying Andrew Dice Clay look-alike rebel boyfriend.
The Pumpkin Man himself is unleashed when a trio of drunken youths wandering the woods looking for graves unwittingly removes a giant wooden cross from Jack-o’s grave. The killings begin as Jack-o rampages through town seeking revenge against anyone who gets in the way as well as the ancestors of anyone with the last name of Kelly. Throughout the movie we are given flashbacks to the story behind the Machen and Kelly families, culminating in a showdown at the end. Sean, the boy who is easily scared by anything on late night television, finds the strength to fight back in an epic battle between good and evil.
The worst part of the movie is the negative, stereotyped, and overplayed portrayal of the conservative, religious couple. The bit was intended to be funny and that is where it went wrong. The rest of the film attempts to deliver a scary story with no budget and bad acting (a good combination), but this supposed comic relief starts to drag it down the tired road of purposely being bad in order to be funny (which almost never works). The brevity of the scenes is what saves them from ruining an otherwise classic effort from director Steve Latshaw.
The film also features a posthumous appearance by the legendary John Carradine.
Review
by The Diesel
Jamaican's make us laugh with their funny dreadlocks and constant references to smoking marijuana. They also have amusing characters that blend simple logic, carefree attitudes, and drink on the beach for a living. Even this hospital has a weathered old man who sings Sinatra tunes while Band-Aids are put over bullet holes. If you weren't ill before you came to the Emergency Room you are sure to catch something before you leave. The laughs are as rare as quality stretchers in this reality show. If you like lonely doctors and t-shirts covered in congealed blood, this short glimpse into the life of our rum swilling neighbors should satisfy you as much as any episode of M*A*S*H 4077.
Review
by The Diesel
Not as much of a thrill ride as other KK episodes but still enough action to satisfy my third world appetite for justice. The beatings behind closed doors, the good police work based only on weak accusation, and the miniature vehicles carrying large volumes of criminals and officers crammed together make this a somewhat typical KK episode. Take out the overly grieving mother and the drawn out civilized interrogation (luckily this turns into a beating) and you have a very solid KK episode.
Review
by Brother Nature
Peter Jackson should stick to hobbits.
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