July 28, 2004: Petey Announces Retirement
Sacramento,
CA - In what some analysts have classified as "shocking" and
"politically motivated," it was announced on July 28, 2004 that
Wiffle veteran Petey has decided to end his playing career. Petey, not a pure
blood, as he was never a BMTG member, was the only non-BMTG member to participate
in all three seasons of Wiffle. Petey made the difficult decision to retire
after severely injuring his already damaged knee while pitching in the first
game of a tripleheader on July 27.
Petey left Wiffle the same way he arrived, by setting records that are likely to stand for many years. "Hairless Joe," as he was first called, crawled onto the wiffle scene by batting only .190 during season one, still the lowest single season batting average in BMTG Wiffle history. In his last appearance, on July 27, 2004 against the Ukrainian Brothers, Petey lasted only 2/3 of an inning before injuring himself, but that was long enough to allow a record 17 runs.
Petey would often delight the fans with his trademark courtesy swing in which he would wildly flail at a ball out of the strike zone to avoid a four-pitch walk. Petey's frustration over the excessive number of walks during season three, and the Ukrainian Brothers' unsympathetic eye, was a direct catalyst in expanding the pipes for the first time since the wooden strike-zone era.
The expression, "dropped an O-ring," which refers to a batter who swings with all of his strength and misses the ball was another Petey contribution. The "O-Ring" phrase was later banned because of overuse and replaced with more fan friendly phrases that didn't reference genitalia or the anus.
Petey also leaves ranked second in many lifetime batting categories: Homeruns (49), SLG (1.007), BA (.430), Grand Slams (6), and HR per PA (11.18). At the press conference announcing his retirement, a tearful Petey left a window of hope for his fans when he hinted that he may make a "cameo" appearance sometime in the future, once his injuries have properly healed. The BMTG, sympathetic to Petey's painful injury, supports the use of prescribed medication to alleviate his pain along with over-the-counter products, such as Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. The BMTG has endorsed the heavy consumption of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum among its longhaired athletes for several years. "Don't Fake the Flava.... Get Spicy!" is a long time BMTG and Captain Morgan catch phrase that serves as a simple reminder on how to have fun.
The
light-hitting waif named Hairless Joe transitioned into the feared Dennis
DeYoung barrel-chested Petey by making significant improvements in each
of his three seasons to now retire as one of the most prolific sluggers in
Wiffle history. Wiffle enthusiasts will long debate what Petey could have
achieved on two healthy knees, but he will forever be remembered by his teammates
and opponents alike as a player that could hit anyone he faced, both as a
hitter and as a pitcher.