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December 7, 2006: NFL Commentary, Week 13
By White Russian

Perfection
NFL undefeateds: none

College undefeateds: Ohio State and Boise State.

College Football

Majors
This week's sampling of majors that are being pursued by current college football players:

Management
Psychology
Recreation Management
Marketing
Sports Administration

Who Should Really Be in the National Championship
The UCLA victory over USC can help illustrate who should have the right to play Ohio State in the championship game.

Boise State beat Oregon State. Why is that important? Well, Oregon State beat Oregon, and Oregon beat UCLA. This week UCLA beat USC. To take this further, USC beat Arkansas and Arkansas beat Auburn. And Auburn is the one team that beat Florida.

Therefore Boise State, who went undefeated, including a 45 to 0 shut out Sacramento State to open the season, should be in the championship game.

Houston vs. Southern Miss
Texas has the "Hook 'em Horns" for it's hand signal. Houston uses the "Cougar Paw," which looks a lot like the "Shocker."

Lou Holtz nailed it, while everyone else, including the snobbish Mark May, was wrong. The first half had just ended. Houston had the ball on the 2 yard line, no timeouts, 23 seconds to play. They ran it up the middle. The whistle blew with about 17 or 18 seconds left. Southern Miss made no effort to get off the ground, other than pretending to try to pick each other up, only to flop back down again. One Southern Miss player just sat there on his knees looking at the pile of players. The Houston coach was screaming for a delay of game flag, but none came and the clock ran out. Fans even started to throw stuff onto the field in the end zone. The officials could not spot the ball in time for Houston to run one last play.

"Well, you know, you shouldn't even be in that position."
     Rod Gilmore
"A risky call by Art Briles to run the ball on third down with no timeouts. If Battle doesn't get in you don't have enough time to get up there and hike the ball. And you can't spike it."
     Dave Pasch
"Yeah, you can't expect someone to bail you out in that situation. You know you have no timeouts - you have to throw the ball and take your shot. If you run it, you surprise them, you get six, great. If you don't get it - that's your problem."
     Gilmore

After the replay was shown:
"Look what Southern Miss' defensive players did. They had about five guys on Battle. A couple of 'em got up - the others stayed down. Then a couple others got up and they still held him down. So it wasn't like they all laid on him - it looked like they were trying to get up."
     Trevor Matich

While it may be true that a better option on third down would be to pass the ball if you are planning on kicking a field goal on fourth down if you don't make it. But if you just want to run two plays and only go for the touchdown, then 23 seconds is enough time to get those two plays off. Southern Miss did not make an attempt to get set for the next play. Is it only a delay if all the players are laying on the runningback? They were flopping around, getting up, falling down, pretending to pull their own players off. The only Houston player in the pile was the ball carrier, who could not get up because they wouldn't let him. Matich doesn't seem to know what to think. He starts talking about how the Southern Miss players won't let the runningback up, then he changes his tone.

Then, in the studio:
"I think the referee's obligation, or the official's, to make sure that everybody has an equal chance to win. When you run a football play with 20 seconds to go and you can't even get up off the foul, that is totally unfair. There is no way in this world that Houston should not have had another play. And the officials, I think, were not fair to every party concerned. And I know you disagree, May May!"
     Lou Holtz
"I do disagree. I think it's gamesmanship. I think Southern Miss was smart on that play. They were aggressive, they didn't get off the runningback. And here's the key if you're Art Briles, the head coach of Houston, what are you doing running the ball in the first place? Throw the ball in the endzone. If you don't get a touchdown, you got 4th down to come out and kick a field goal. I think a smart play by Southern Miss players."
     Mark May
"Twenty seconds to go! You run a play, you don't score a touchdown, you got a chance!"
     Holtz
"You got 300 pounders out there. Hey, there's Southern Miss players trying to pick Southern Miss players off the pile - you saw that!"
     May
"I've seen people leave a banquet table quicker than I saw them get up off the field. That's unfair to Houston."
     Holtz
"You've never seen me at a banquet table."
     May
"Football players don't leave banquet tables that quickly, c'mon now."
     Scott Reese, followed by a nervous chuckle
"That was unfair."
     Holtz

Holtz was right on in this case. And they didn't even get his banquet table comparison. The fact that Mark May and the other 300 pound football players don't leave a banquet table quickly is his point. As much time as Mark May might take at a banquet table, the Southern Miss players took even longer to get off of the running back. And May's point about how they should have thrown a pass is not the point. The point is that there was enough time if Southern Miss does not intentionally delay the spotting of the ball. Southern Miss is free to do this, but the officials need to call them on it and stop the clock.

Before the start of the third quarter the announcers were at it again. After Rod Gilmore repeated his stance:
"And here's where I disagree with Lou Holtz from the studio. When he said that, you know, they had 20 seconds to go when they called that run. It still was on third down and so they couldn't have spiked it on fourth down to get the field goal team on."
     Matich, again missing the point

Then the sideline reporter chimed in, saying he talked to the Houston coach, who was upset they couldn't get one more play off. He also talked to the referee, who said they could have called a delay if they felt Southern Miss was deliberately laying on the Houston player, but their judgement was that Southern Miss did not do that.

This prompted Gilmore to continue:
"I think that judgement is correct. And if you heard Mark May at halftime, he pointed out that there were players from Southern Miss pulling other Southern Miss players off. You can't control as a coach whether you're going to have six or eight guys in the pileup - and that's the risk you take when you run that ball."
     Gilmore

Are all these people idiots? Why is Lou Holtz the only one to get this right? There was enough time to run one more play. There was not enough time to get the field goal unit in, but there was time to run a play. Southern Miss intentionally delayed and the officials did not call it.

More from Lou Holtz and Mark May at halftime, this time regarding UCLA and USC. Again, Holtz was on target with his prediction on this rare night when almost everything Holtz said was golden. Holtz said the game would be closer than expected. He cited UCLA's defense and how well they have been playing. Then he threw in this off the wall statement:
"Plus, Southern Cal no longer has Leinart and Bush and everybody else."
     Holtz
"Yeah, those guys are playing at the next level, and they're doing all right up there."
     May, in his most condescending tone

Then, talking about how great the USC passing game is:
"USC is led by their passing attack. No one stops 'em, coach. You found out about Dwayne Jarrett last week against Notre Dame, didn't ya, coach?"
     May

After talking some more about the USC passing game:
"UCLA's defense is 75th in the country in pass defense. Watch for the USC wide receivers going big time against that defensive secondary."
     May
"You know USC's going to score, coach. They're gonna score in bunches."
     Reese
"They aren't going to score as much as they think, or as much as they did in the past."
     Holtz
"Well, that's because the new clock rules."
     May, now openly mocking Holtz
"Right, the new rules. Maybe they'll only get 620 yards. Sixty three straight games they've scored 20 or more points. Unbelievable."
     Reese

Wake Forest vs. Georgia Tech (ACC Championship)
Paul Maguire was banished to the Cart Cam again by Bob Griese. It was cold and raining and Maguire was bundled up under his raincoat. Griese is just plain cruel.

"Paul, put on a helmet or something."
     Bob Griese
"Hey, Griese, I should just let you guys talk about the weather. It’s really nice out here, huh?"
     Paul Maguire
"It looks great."
     Brad Nessler
"Are you warm?"
     Maguire
"We’re very toasty."
     Nessler
"Yeah, thanks."
     Maguire

"Abate put his body on another body."
     Paul Maguire, Abate is pronounced like "a body"

Army – Navy
Navy had 27 running plays before their first pass attempt.

Central Michigan – Ohio (MAC Championship)
"They don’t want to get too far behind in this game."
     Chris Fowler, after Central Michigan scored to make it 7 to 0. Lots of announcers say this, and his point is that Ohio’s offense is not built to come from behind when trailing by a large deficit, but, really, do you ever want to fall far behind?

Arkansas – Florida
"And they got the first down! HOW…DO…YOU…DO?!"
     Verne Lundquist, after Florida faked a punt on 4th and 10 from their own 15 yard line in the 3rd quarter

"Brandon James returned one 77 yards in the win over Western Carolina. He’s had two touchdowns called back because of injuries. He is dangerous."
     Lundquist

"Why not? It’s his birthday. If he can’t make a field goal on his birthday, why do it? I talked to him yesterday. My advice to him was aim small, miss small. Pick out something on the horizon, kick it to some guy."
     Gary Danielson, regarding Florida kicker Chris Hetland, who had made only 3 of 12 field goals this season. Florida was facing 4th and 2 early in the game with the score tied at zero. Hetland’s 33 yard attempt was good – it was his longest field goal of the season.

"He got it. Good for him."
     Lundquist, after Hetland made the 33 yarder
"Happy birthday."
     Danielson

After the Hetland field goal:
"And now it’s time for our Home Depot ‘Tools for Success.’"
     Lundquist
"Well, you know, Verne, if you got a toolbox, every toolbox has gotta have a saw. I mean, as much as you wanna avoid using the saw, if you’re gonna do stuff, you gotta use the saw. He’s the saw. I mean, you know, if you’re gonna make something you gotta cut wood. And the field goal kicker is the saw."
     Danielson
"You know, your imagination is limitless."
     Lundquist
"You gotta use the saw. You can’t avoid cuttin’ wood."
     Danielson

"If you can run the ball, you can run the ball."
     Danielson, regarding the Arkansas running game and why they should stick to it

Sideline interview before the start of the third quarter, featuring the stupidest question ever:
"Coach, are you aware that UCLA beat USC?"
     Tracy Wolfson
"No, we have our hands full right here with a very talented Arkansas team."
     Urban Meyer
"There was no mention of that in the locker room?"
     Wolfson
"No mention of that. We got a lot of work to do tonight."
     Meyer
"Well, now that you know, will you coach any differently in the second half?"
     Wolfson (this is the stupidest question ever)
"No, we gotta win the SEC Championship. That’s been our goal from day one and we’re gonna go after it as hard as we can here in the second half."
     Meyer
"Thanks a lot, coach. Good luck."
     Wolfson
"I admire what he said. I don’t believe a word of it – about not knowing."
     Lundquist

Why would you coach any differently in the second half? What would be different – now you are going to try to win? And what is there to admire in what Urban Meyer said? All he gave were generic play hard to win answers.

Gary Danielson seems to know what everybody is saying on the field. Just a few examples:
"See, Antwain Robinson played it right this time. He didn’t attack Leak – he took away the pitch, turned him back into number 92. And number 92 says, ‘Oh, I get a free shot at a quarterback? Ooh, I like that.’"
     Danielson

"That should’ve been caught, but big Antwain Robinson, number 97, I think it was, came in and said, “Chris Leak, get that mental clock going because I’m coming after you all game.’"
     Danielson

"Reggie Herring has made a subtle change. He’s going to two safeties instead of one. Man to man underneath, but he’s giving those man guys help. He’s saying, ‘You can bite on everything, because I got two guys back there to help you out.’"
     Danielson

Even Verne Lundquist tried it:
"And Skinner is asking, ‘Wait a minute!’"
     Lundquist, regarding Arkansas punter Jacob Skinner, who was knocked down after a punt, but no flag was thrown

"I know a lot of people laugh at me, and I don't use the word momentum because I don't believe in it. Who had momentum? Who's got momentum? What does momentum mean? I don't know if I want it, if I'm Arkansas."
     Danielson, after the Arkansas punt returner inexplicably tried to catch a punt over his shoulder inside the ten yard line. Florida scored a touchdown on the play. To that point in the third quarter Arkansas had all the momentum, but this play was a turning point.

Bryant Gumbel and Cris Collinsworth on Thursday Night Football
Bryant Gumbel speaks in very short sentences. Regular sentences. Are often broken up. Into three or four sentences. As he pauses for dramatics. Whether there is drama or not. He also seems to have a problem with the little details and the meanings of some common phrases. Cris Collinsworth likes to speak in very long sentences, sometimes followed up with a short sentence to provide a brief summation of the previous long-winded sentence.

"Rudy Johnson with his first carry, getting back barely to the line of scrimmage."
     Gumbel on Johnson’s 1st carry (a one yard gain)

"Once again Reggie Kelly is the H back, behind him Rudi Johnson. He’ll get his first carry of the night off the left side."
     Gumbel on Johnson’s 2nd carry

"Rudi Johnson with his second carry of the night. Inside. Fighting his way, for perhaps a gain of three."
     Gumbel on Johnson’s 3rd carry

"Inside, Jeremi Johnson with another carry. He’s not going nowhere."
     Gumbel on Jeremi Johnson’s 1st carry (3 yard gain), plus nice use of a double negative, meaning he should have been going somewhere

"And the Bengals will turn it over on downs."
     Gumbel after an incomplete pass on third down, leading to a punt by Cincinnati

"McNair. Overthrowing Derrick Mason. Will give it up on downs."
     Gumbel after an incomplete pass on third down, leading to a punt by Baltimore

"Palmer. Looking. Finding. Johnson, once again."
     Gumbel

"Palmer will throw. Looking. Finding. Houshmandzadeh. For what would appear to be another first down."
     Gumbel after Houshmandzadeh clearly ran past the first down line, getting the first down by at least a full yard – no question

"Why do crowds always cheer when their coaches challenge? You’re gonna have to think about that and answer it for me when we come back."
     Gumbel to Collinsworth, after Marvin Lewis challenged the spot on 4th and inches in the first quarter

"Have you yet figured out why fans always cheer when their coaches challenge?"
     Gumbel to Collinsworth after the 4th and inches play was upheld
"Heh, heh, heh. They at least have a chance at that point. Otherwise, the punter would have been on the field."
     Collinsworth, said in a way, with a courtesy chuckle, just to appease Gumbel

"Clock continues to tick now and for the Baltimore Ravens and Brian Billick you might have to start thinking about this being four down territory here as you begin to think how long is it going to take me to try and make up 13 points and the Bengals offense isn’t going to sit around and do nothing. May be four down territory here for the Ravens."
     Collinsworth, as the Ravens faced 3rd and 1 with 30 seconds left in the 3rd quarter on their own 39-yard line, trailing 13 to 0. A failure on 4th down would give Cincinnati tremendous field position, not to mention the fact that there was an entire quarter left to play. McNair ran for a first down, while Cincinnati was offsides, making Collinsworth’s point moot. Later in the same drive Baltimore punted on 4th and 12.

"This is that catch again. Chad Johnson. Playing tippy-toe on the sideline."
     Gumbel, showing highlight of Johnson leaping to catch a ball in the middle of the field. Earlier Houshmandzadeh had caught a pass on the sideline, prompting him to play tippy-toe.

"Let’s face it, you have Carson Palmer, who, if I had to pick one guy, you said I could take one guy out of all the National Football League, now based on age, and you know, Peyton Manning’s a little older and all that, I would take Carson Palmer."
     Collinsworth, while responding to how content Houshmandzadeh can stay being the number two guy behind Chad Johnson. He did not mention LaDainian Tomlinson. Or even Tony Romo.

"Well, take a look at the list. I mean, all you needed was two more yards for seven thousand."
     Gumbel, misreading the stats in Selig-esque fashion from a graphic of Cincinnati’s all time leaders in receiving yards, after Chad Johnson passed Collinsworth on the list. Collinsworth was attempting to be humble and acknowledged that Johnson was much better than he ever was.
"Do we have to show the games on the right hand side?"
     Collinsworth with his aw shucks modesty
"It was sixty seven hundred, not seven thousand."
     Gumbel, marking the rare times that he actually corrects himself

Player	Yards	Games
Isaac Curtis	7,101	167
Carl Pickens	6,887	120
Chad Johnson	6,702	88
Cris Collinsworth	6,698	107
Eddie Brown	6,134	102

"For the Ravens, this is the ballgame."
     Gumbel, on 4th and 3 for the Ravens at the Bengals 11 with 6:20 to play in the game, trailing 13 to 0. Incomplete pass, Ravens turn it over on downs. While Cincinnati would go on to win the game, both teams certainly did not feel the ballgame was over. The Ravens had the ball two more times, scoring once.

"Up until last week the Bengals had not had a shutout since 1989. So last week was their first in 7 years – now they’re going to have 2 in 5 days."
     Gumbel, as Cincinnati had the ball with 3:18 to play, leading 13 to 0, and assuming that the shutout was a foregone conclusion. Final score was 13 to 7. Also, Gumbel either said 7 or 17 years – my notes say he said 7, but am unable to confirm it as the recording of the game has been erased. It is possible he said 17, but it is equally believable that this is another number he screwed up.

"Well, because you need the second score, you really [have to take] chances now – you can’t afford to simply - - oh, dear."
     Collinsworth, followed by silence. There was no explanation why Collinsworth said “oh, dear”, just silence, then Gumbel spoke up.
"This crowd knows the outcome. They’re cheering a shut out at this point."
     Gumbel, after Collinsworth’s “oh, dear” comment.

At this point it was time to switch to My Name is Earl. There were other mistakes, such as when, near the end of the first half, both Gumbel and Collinsworth pondered whether or not Baltimore would take one more shot at the end zone before attempting a field goal, even though it was 4th down after McNair spiked the ball on 3rd down, but that might be considered piling on.

Seattle at Denver
"Well, there’s something in your personality, though, that makes you make that play. I mean, you know, we don’t know what his personality is, or who he is, but Brett Favre made those kind of plays in his rookie year, and he’s still making ‘em now."
     John Madden, responding to Al Michaels, who had asked, in reference to Jay Cutler throwing an interception, if you had only one mulligan would you take it now?

Carolina at Philadelphia
After showing how many different quarterbacks have thrown a touchdown pass to Keyshawn Johnson:

"Keyshawn’s been a great receiver."
     Tony Kornheiser
"That’s exactly right – to Keyshawn’s credit. Brings up the question: is he a hall of famer?"
     Joe Theissman
Theissman’s statement was greeted with barely audible mumbles that sounded something like, "Hmm," by Mike Tirico, and "Don’t know about that," by Kornheiser.
"Pose the question. Pose the question."
     Theissman

After the next play:
"Do you have him in the Hall of Fame? You mentioned it – Keyshawn. Do you have him?"
     Kornheiser
"I know he want – I know he wants –"
     Theissman
"But do you have him?"
     Kornheiser
"Not yet. Not yet."
     Theissman (unwittingly continuing his best Jimmy Two Times impression)
"Let me know when you do."
     Kornheiser
"I’ll call you."
     Theissman
Laughter.

NFL Primetime on ESPN
"Watch this block by Cedric Benson."
     Stuart Scott, while showing New York Jets highlights. He was referring to Jets running back Cedric Houston.

"In week 6, again at the gun, from fiddy fo – not fifty four. Fiddy fo!"
     Scott, while reviewing Josh Brown’s game winning kicks for Seattle

"We don’t really understand the whole quarterback rating system – like we don’t know why 158.3 means a perfect quarterback rating. But we do know 1.3 for a quarterback rating is just stank. It’s booty."
     Scott, while discussing Rex Grossman’s lack of performance

"He’s rushed for twelve hundred yards in each of his first six seasons – just the second player to ever do that, joining Eric Dickerson. Twelve hundred yards, guys, and L.T. doesn’t even have a jheri curl."
     Scott, regarding LaDainian Tomlinson

"And this is Phil Dawson. The price is right! Thirty three yard field goal."
     Scott, regarding the Cleveland game winning kick in overtime.

"Jags – Dolphins! Holla at your boy, David Garrard – getting’ his freak on to Matt Jones, a former quarterback in college."
     Scott

This Week’s Edition of Commentators Who Need To Go

Stuart Scott, his act is a tired one

Ron Jaworski, another tired act

Egregious Fantasy Notes

The egregiousness continues for Tin Man, this time for ranking Donovan McNabb as the number 1 quarterback for the 2nd week in a row, even though he is done for the season, and having a backup quarterback who doesn't play (Kurt Warner) as his number 3 quarterback (also for the 2nd week in a row).

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