September 18, 2009: The Most Interesting Man in the BMTG
He coined the phrase “can sell gravy to a stone” and everyone present knew exactly what he meant. He went to Rio just so he could use “I’ll be in Rio” as an excuse. When he says jump, you don’t have to ask how high...you already know. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
His bedroom webcam is so compelling that Jerry Jones uses a 60 yard high definition video screen to tap into it when no one is looking. He once ate three Price Club hot dogs in succession just to see how he'd feel. When he goes to Reno, people put their money on him. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
When he plays hockey he wears a cup…to protect the puck. He hears so well that he never says "what?" again. Nobody can compete with him in Madden football, so in the Superbowl he beat himself. In Boise State he tailgated on the blue field and the team played in the parking lot. In wiffle he threw the knucklestrike. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
He had a giant womb built in his bedroom so he could get the most deep, peaceful sleep possible. His impression of William Devane is so good that William Devane questioned his own identity when he met him in person. Despite growing up in Arkansas, he was never involved in an inbreeding/incestuous relationship while living there. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
He was the first man to ever say the words "The WNBA is better than the NBA because they use the fundamentals". His answer to the question "You know what I could go for?" is "A BJ and a Nap"…100% of the time. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
The only mistake he ever made was when he thought he made a mistake. His collection of adult movies can only be described in one word - "scrumchulescent". He once threw a wiffle ball so slow that the ball literally stopped in mid air for 3 minutes. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
He once convinced a has-been/never-was NFL quarterback to continue his professional career based solely on what he could do with him in the Madden video game. On a 3,000 mile road trip in 2006, he drove his 1 allotted mile and ended up in Boise, Idaho, circa 1985. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
He can grow an orange goatee simply by sneezing. He can fall asleep with both eyes open. His ability to smell ovulating women can only be compared to an animal's keen sense of knowing when an earthquake is coming. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
His knowledge of sports facts is so vast that players call him to find out what they just did. He once killed a man just so he could bring him back to life…that man was himself. He loves Asian women so much that he only eats them with chop sticks. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friend. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
He is so romantic that after a woman shakes his hand she is no longer a virgin and 75% of the time she is now also pregnant. His chest hair is so abundant that it took a team of experienced hikers 6 days to reach his moobs. His musical tastes never vary, in the 70's he would only listen to the music of the 80's. He is the most interesting man in the BMTG. Stay sleepy my friends.
