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January 13, 2006: An Open Letter to UPN 31 Good Day Sacramento

UPN 31
Good Day Sacramento
500 Media Place
Sacramento, CA 95815

The BMTG can no longer remain silent regarding the celebrated entertainment anchor of UPN 31 Good Day Sacramento, Mark S. Allen. The demographics that Mr. Allen once dominated (females 12-15) have long since become adults, leaving the tight-faced man-child as the only one to admire his strange appearance. Former sidekick Stu Olsen rolled hard and looked very Rico every day on the set, unlike his protégé Mr. Allen, who often arrives looking as though he just came from an all-nighter of drinking cosmopolitans and getting facials. He frequently works without a coat and tie, then tops off his unkempt look by refusing to shave. A regular part of his lackluster interviews is to grope for responses from celebrities who are more fixated on his plastic facial features and middle-school hairstyle than his gushing questions. Despite years in the biz-nasty he is still intimidated by stars such as Heath Ledger, who during an interview last year was surly and blew smoke in Mr. Allen’s face. As the smoke dissipated about his head, so did the modest amount of street cred he may have had in the 'wood.

It should be noted that the "Anonymous" author of Mr. Allen's profile on IMDB.com was likely Mr. Allen himself cleverly disguised as "Anonymous." "Anonymous" revels in Mr. Allen's unimpressive billboard squatting exploits and other knick-knack facts that have long exceeded their expiration date. Unfortunately, "Anonymous" failed to note what many consider to be the apex of Mr. Allen’s career when he starred in the infamous Nintendo commercial. While the BMTG does not support taking drastic measures with Mr. Allen, as he lives in a state of permanent pubescence, it does believe the following actions should take place in order to aid Mr. Allen's journey into adulthood:

• Mr. Allen should draw back from his Patrick Batemanesque skincare regimen of using an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a moisturizing protective lotion, as it produces odd looking skin and will likely lead to his engagement in homicidal behavior on a massive scale.
• Mr. Allen should only wear his tired look of a suit jacket with t-shirt combination when attending 80's parties or while watching a John Cusack movie. As an alternative Mr. Allen should invest a small portion of his significant earnings on big boy clothes at a downtown haberdashery.
• An intervention must take place regarding Mr. Allen's long term addiction to frosting his hair. The BMTG's longhaired Brother Nature can assist in creating a hairstyle that is both Earth friendly and appropriate for any late night business meeting.
• Mr. Allen is banned for life from participating in any BMTG sanctioned events, including regularly scheduled festivals and Wiffleball (Season 5 begins in April).

Naturally, UPN 31 may file an appeal at a cost of $3.00 if it disagrees with this decision. See the BMTG's website at usesoap.com for instructions on how to file and how long until the appeal is denied. Remember that the BMTG are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances, we guard you while you sleep, and we dance if we want to.

Sincerely,

(SIGNED BY THE BMTG BIG FOUR)

CC
Mark S. Allen
Heath Ledger
Robb Spewak, Don & Mike Show

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