Brother Nature has been a burritotarian (a vegetarian who mostly eats burritos) for more than a decade. Although he claims to be strict in his refusal to return to his former meat eating ways, the BMTG has found that there are certain conditions that would turn him into a hypocrite and cause him to partake of that treasure chest of flavor that only meat offers. This is the place to find out just what those conditions are. More will be added as the tempting call of delicious meats melt away Brother Nature’s icy cold resistance.
would eat meat | would not eat meat | undetermined | the inner hypocrite
Brother Nature Would Eat Meat If...
If the only way to stay alive were to consume a beverage consisting of a ground up turkey, Brother Nature would drink up.
If an entire ballpark full of fans started cannibalizing Cal Ripken, Jr. in celebration of his consecutive games streak, after much consideration Brother Nature would participate and eat part of Cal Ripken if not participating would result in his own violent death at the hands of the mob.
Brother Nature would eat an old and already dying cow if his refusal to eat said cow would result in the death of a whole bunch of other healthy, happy cows.
Brother
Nature Would Not Eat Meat, Even If...
Brother Nature would not eat his live dog for $100,000.
Brother Nature would not eat a four stacker from Burger King, even if The Diesel would buy all of his food for a month (no beverages and no stocking up of food for future months.)
Brother Nature would not eat the last brat at a Bend Elks home game, even if it was 90% off and all proceeds of the evening went to the Save the Cows fund.
Brother Nature would not eat a turkey leg, or any other bird meat, at the giant bar-b-que on the day of worldwide extermination of every bird on the planet, even considering that all the birds were going to die whether or not he participated in the consumption of them and that his refusal to eat them would in no way save them from their fate.
Brother Nature will not participate in the consumption of Sandman’s lady friend’s catered meatballs at a festival, even if she gave him her best puppy-dog face begging him to do it.
Brother Nature would not eat any meat products if all of his food purchases were paid for by the BMTG for the duration of whatever trip the meat consumption came on, even if there were no limit to the cost of the food during said trip.
Brother Nature would not eat Christmas gifts that contain meat, even if those were the only gifts he got and he could not return them for something else.
Brother Nature would not eat Blood Tongue, even if it were left in a plastic bag in his bathroom for an indeterminate amount of time. The bag of blood tongue will be kept and reused until he relents and takes a bite.
Brother Nature would not eat all you can eat chicken planks at Long John Silvers, even if it was paid for by the rest of the BMTG.
Undetermined (meaning we suspect he would eat meat under these conditions)
Sidenote: Albuquerque Tom would not eat that cake, even though he is not a vegetarian. During Brother Nature’s indecision in answering this question, Albuquerque Tom was tossed off the truck. His body bounced four times and then got wrapped around a guard rail like how bacon wraps around Golden Corral chicken. On his back they painted “Vegetarian” with the cake frosting. Last thing he sees is the truck fading into the distance with the guys in the back laughing and one of them dancing like he just shot the perfect free throw. To clarify, it is the real Albuquerque Tom, not the baby Hindu Tom. Reincarnation is a tricky thing. Usually you come back a little off with a severe limp and a maniacal stare. Baby Hindu Nature looks normal but has the severe limp part.
The BMTG thinks Brother Nature would have cannibalized Osama Bin Laden if it could have prevented 9/11.
Incidents
That Reveal Brother Nature’s Inner Hypocrite
Brother Nature would not turn away Christie Brinkley, even if she had beef breath 24 hours a day.
Brother Nature would not get a buzz cut, even if The Diesel guaranteed that he would save a cow. BNature said, “That’s a hard question. I want to say no, but I'd feel bad for the cow.”
He will support animal killing establishments (In-N-Out Burger, Round Table, Boston Market), but refuse to eat their meat stuff. Much of the money he spends on eating the animal friendly food at these places goes directly back into the torture and humiliation of baby animals with cute names.
The bones he buys for his dog include meat products.
He cooks sponge-like meat look-alikes on the bar-b-que – the same bbq that is used to cook the real thing.
